Chapter 9: Faith

Growing Through Grief

I made the decision that if the pregnancy progressed with no further complications, I would have a natural delivery with no epidural, no pain medication. I wanted to put everything the Lord had been teaching me over the past year into practice: trust, surrender, abide, keep my focus on Him. I wanted to be 100% dependent on my Father to get me through it.

With each specialist appointment our baby girl was growing and defying all odds. She was surpassing every development milestone and steadily growing. As we inched closer to my due date, I became anxious because I knew if I didn’t go into labor naturally on my own by 39 weeks, I’d have to get induced. I jumped back into planning, into doing everything possible to avoid it: curb walking, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, eating pineapple, birthing exercises, every old wives’ tale in the book.

August 10th 7:30pm, a week before I was scheduled to be induced, I was on the phone with my cousins who were telling me all the additional things I could try to naturally induce labor. “I’ll have to call you back,” I said calmly, just moments later, my water broke. During my first labor, we rushed getting to the hospital when my water broke, so I knew that we could take our time. I was praying that this time around the labor would progress more quickly so I wouldn’t have to be augmented with Pitocin to speed things along.

When we finally arrived at the hospital and settled in the room, I was told that unfortunately they did not have a wireless monitor for me to labor outside of the bed. This was not on my birth plan. I wanted to be able to move around to help the labor progress more quickly. I instantly began to feel my blood pressure rise from the fear that I would have to bear the pain of childbirth while being tied to a bed. Again, things not going according to plan. I was too upset to even pray, but miraculously just as we were making alternative arrangements to go somewhere else, God came through and the nurse was able to locate an extra monitor.

Our night nurse was not the kindest, she continuously told me in the most condescending way that my plan to have a natural birth without pain medication was pointless, that I could plan all I wanted to but things change and women change their minds. In a sense I knew she was right, but I also knew I didn’t want to waver on what I promised myself. I would depend on the Lord to get me through.

The worship playlist I made played throughout the night. I had encouragement printed all around me, my mom’s favorite verse Psalm 27:14 “Be strong and let your heart take courage, wait on the Lord,” and the lyrics to my Granny’s favorite hymn, Blessed Assurance. I was doing all that I could to keep my eyes and mind focused on Jesus, but the labor was progressing slowly, too slowly.

A new nurse came the next morning, I told her that I was not going to accept any pain medication, no epidural. “Are you sure?” she asked. “Yes, I am.” I said confidently. “Okay we can do this, I’ll show you some positions to help with the labor!” she exclaimed. Thank God for sending me this angel of a woman.

By 8am the next morning I was only 3cm dilated, it was time to augment the labor by pushing Pitocin. If you’ve ever been induced or augmented you know that the medication causes labor pain to be even more intense, most times causing contractions to couple, with no time for breathing in between.

As things started to pick up, my strength and will to continue started to diminish. With each contraction the hope that I would be able to go on without any pain medication seemed to fade. By 10am I asked for a cervical check, I was only 5cm dilated. I looked at my husband, he could see by the look on my face I was exhausted and worn out from all of the pain. Our day nurse told me that this was our last chance to get the epidural because anesthesia would take at least an hour to arrive. I told her, no I’ll keep going.

Then, another wave of pain, and I yelled out to the Lord, I’m so sorry God, I can’t do this, I can’t do this! We called the nurse in to tell her that I would indeed take the epidural. As she put the orders in I bore through contraction after contraction, each one feeling like the most excruciating pain you could ever feel. Suddenly, I began to feel pressure like I had to push. It had only been 30 minutes since I was told I was at 5cm but I yelled to my husband to call for her again.

Three nurses came running in. I yelled, “I have to push I have to push!” They tried to coax me to stop because I wasn’t dilated enough, or so they thought. When they checked my cervix again, I had not only reached 10cm, but she was crowning. Everyone was completely surprised. There was no need for pain medication or anesthesia after all.

Still, they wanted me to hold on and wait for my doctor to arrive to deliver the baby, but I couldn’t. My body was on autopilot, pushing her out without any initiation on my part. The nurses were terrified, trying to get me to turn over and lie down on my back. I simply couldn’t. I collapsed on the bed and pushed her out. Every ounce of me was exhausted, relieved, incredibly overjoyed.

For a few seconds there was silence, no cry. I heard a nurse say “call for respiratory!” My heart immediately sank I was in complete disbelief. A few more seconds and there she was, the cries of my sweet baby girl filled the room and I wept out of pure gratitude and joy. Our baby and I made it. God had answered our prayers. We named her after my mom.

I later found out that my day nurse who turned out to be an absolute angel, it was her first day on the job, and she delivered my baby.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.” Hebrews‬ ‭11‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ESV.

I prepared, I planned, I practiced discipline, but eventually there came a point where that preparation could not carry me anymore. When I reached the end of my own ability, God still carried me through. I didn’t know the outcome, I didn’t know if I could endure it, I didn’t know if we’d make it, but I kept entrusting myself to God anyway.

Faith. I was finally learning how to embody the faith that my mother had, a deep confidence in God’s character even without having every theological answer fully memorized. Faith looks like trusting while terrified, continuing while uncertain, dependence when strength fails, and believing God is good while circumstances feel fragile. That is Hebrews 11 lived out.

Gratitude, since my mom got sick, the Lord had been bringing me back to it. Giving thanks in all circumstances, give your worries to God with thanksgiving. Next week I’ll explore how gratitude as a means of worship and dwelling in the Lord’s presence has slowly been changing my life.